Westin and Jenny's Detonation

I felt his presence as he came closer to me even with my back to him.  Within a few moments he stood behind me and a chill raced down my body.  The confidence he exuded was palpable and I wanted nothing more than for him to take me in his arms.  

"Is this ok?"  His voice commanded an answer and he sounded calm as he leaned over to my ear.  He came so close that I could feel my hair move slightly where his face came into contact. There's no way he felt what I did and still possessed the ability to keep his voice from shaking uncontrollably.  

I refrained from answering.  I let myself believe that if I didn't admit that I wanted him to touch me out loud, then my conscience wouldn't suffer as greatly later.  

I waited patiently for the touch, beginning to worry that it wasn't going to come.  Then he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in toward him.  I made a conscious effort to shift my hips so that I didn't feel anything more intimate than his embrace.  

If his steady words were any indication he wasn't experiencing the same euphoria, but his breathing betrayed his true feeling.  His chest was firm against my back. I could feel it rise and fall, picking up a quicker rhythm the longer he held me.  I knew that like me, he was doing everything he could to stay afloat.

"Westin... I..." I tried to get my thoughts out but it was useless.  Every time a word tried to escape my lips I felt another whisper of breath pass down my neck, halting my thought process.

His head lifted and I knew that his mouth came dangerously close.  

I felt his lips at my ear, so close that I couldn't tell if it was my imagination or if they actually began touching me.  He whispered almost soundlessly, "I don't want to do anything that will make you regret this.  Just let me hold you."

I knew that at any moment I wouldn't be able to stand it anymore.  I cast away my thoughts of consequences and tried to turn my body to face him, fully intending to meet his mouth with my own.  He squeezed onto me tighter, preventing me from moving.  With frustration building up, I shift my hips to come square to his.  I pushed back into him, hoping that he'd choose the lower road that I was attempting to travel.

He met my hips with his own and I almost lost it when he sucked in a quick breath.  No more thinking came from me, just emotion and a need.  Then, suddenly and with no warning, he let go of me and stepped away.  "We can't do this now, it's not our moment, Jenny."  

My eyes grew wide with shock. He took a moment to register my hurt.  It consumed me, feeling like it was an actual substance being pumped into an artery, running throughout my body.  Considering how much pleasure and hope had just been ripped away from me I forgave my physical self for having such a dramatic reaction to my emotions.  Tears built up.  My senses slowed, coming back to me. The disappointment that tore my insides away began transitioning into embarrassment.  

I couldn't look at him anymore.  I turned away just before the tears began their descent and I could see Westin step toward me from the corner of my eye.  "If your intention was to keep the regret from my life, you did not succeed.  I would really appreciate it if you would go."  

His voice finally faltered when he replied, "Please don't feel that way Jenny.  I just thought that if I could...  Please," he trailed off. I turned back to him with one of my escaped tears rolling down my cheek.  His body tensed and he started again, "I just don't know what's going through your mind!  I wish I knew how you felt!"  

I began to feel like I was at fault. Then my defenses flared, "I thought I was being pretty clear!"  

His body went lax, looking as defeated as I felt.  My immediate reaction was to go to him but squashed it, worried that I wouldn't be able to control my urges again.  "Look Westin, I'm going to finish closing up and then I'm going."

"Where?"  He asked with urgency in his tone.

"Why?  Are you planning on following me?  I just don't get it.  You either want to pursue this or you don't.  At this point I don't even know if I want to see you.  I'm starting to think I want you to cut these little late night visits out.  I've enjoyed it, but apparently I don't have enough self control to contain myself."  The urge to cry subsided and that lone tear was the only one that fell.  The need to save what was left of my pride drove me now.

I didn't mean the things that I said, but if I were to begin telling the truth it would change who I wanted to be.  I would no longer be the woman who took pride in being a faithful girlfriend.  Westin made me question ideals that had been bred into me for generations. The reliable women of my past would hang their head in shame.  At that moment, I needed him to leave.  I needed to give myself a little time alone without his distractions.  

"I think I understand what you're saying."  He turned stoic as he spoke.

I stared at him, trying to keep up the facade that I'd become hardened. The only emotion on his face came from the glisten in his eyes.  Unlike myself, he was able to keep it under control and turned to leave.  My heart, feeling like it couldn't take anymore, disintegrated.  He turned the key in the lock and just before he walked out of the door paused.  "Please make sure the door is locked when I go."

I wasn't sure if he was making the request to keep me safe from the outside world or to keep himself from coming back in.  I wanted him to stay.  I wanted him to come back in even if we were just going to continue this painful exchange.  For some reason, my body wouldn't listen to my head.  I locked the door when his back turned to me.  He climbed into his truck and I retreated into the back.  I could look in the mirror on the back wall to watch him, reminding me of the first time I laid eyes on him.  It was easy to see how we had gotten here.  He was everything I could ever want, but he was right, it was terrible timing.  I watched him in the parking lot for a long time, wondering why he wasn't leaving.  

As I was finishing up my final closing duties, getting concerned that he wouldn't to leave by the time I had to walk out, I saw the reverse lights light up the ground behind his truck.  I felt both relief and disappointment as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove away.  I went to the back office to get my things, dropped the money from the evening in the drop box, and left.  

I finally let myself cry on the way home.  

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As I made my way over the familiar roads to the house I wondered how I was going to get myself together before I got home to see Kurt.  I began looking for a shoulder to pull over on.  The same fields that I normally found so beautiful, taunted me.  They pushed me further down the road getting me closer to my destination.  Maybe tonight was the night this would all come to the surface.

Finally, the road widened and I pulled over.  I gathered myself, knowing that Kurt would be waiting for me at home. When I could stop the crying I lit up the overhead light.  It was difficult to see myself in my rear view mirror with the dull shine coming from the little bulb.  My mascara had ran all the way down my face and the black tinted tears had bled onto my white polo.  I used some napkins from the coffee shop to wipe away the stains from my face.  The shirt would have to wait until I got home.  

With my face cleaned up I drove on.  Within five minutes I pulled into our drive.  I managed to keep my emotions in until I got to the house and now I just needed to make it into the shower before Kurt noticed that I was upset.  

I opened the front door, half expecting to have interrogation lights beaming down on me when I walked in.  The house was eerily quiet and the lights were low.  It was unusual for the t.v. to be off. It seemed like Kurt wasn't home. His car was outside, but maybe I'd dodged a bullet. 

I made my way through the living room, feeling alone not only physically but emotionally too.  I let out a sign laced with grief. The emotions started to well up again.  I walked down the hall, turning into the dining room.  

"What's wrong?"  Kurt's voice broke through my emotional fog.  I looked up quickly, filtering through excuses that I thought would fit in this situation.  I couldn't think of one before noticing that candles lit the room and a nice dinner had been laid out.  

"What is this?" I was pretty sure that my look of misery had been erased by the pure shock.

He shifted on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck, "Well, I was thinking about us and I think maybe I've been a little absorbed in work lately.  I just wanted to do something special," he finished. I at least managed to close my gaping mouth.  "Now it's your turn to answer."

"I just had a hard time balancing some stuff at work tonight.  You know how I get when things don't fit perfectly together like little puzzle pieces.  It was just a little overwhelming."  I made sure to not mention the fact that the stuff I was trying to balance was my relationship between the man that knew me inside and out, the kind of knowledge that only comes with knowing someone their entire life, and the man that wanted to know me that way.

He started toward me from around the dining room table. I immediately felt worse.  I didn't realize how the distance from Westin's touch would make me feel since I had finally gotten a taste of it.  Thinking of Kurt erasing the feeling of Westin's arms around me by replacing them with his own made my throat hiccup.  

Instinctively, when he finished rounding the table I stepped away.  I couldn't read the look on his face but I knew Kurt and I knew that he wouldn't let it slide. "Did something happen today Jenny?  Did something happen at work?"  

My original plan to stay the course crumbled when Kurt said my name. I knew that I would never hear him say it with the same conviction that I heard when Westin said it not even an hour ago.  

"What exactly is going on here Kurt?  Is this just some 'let's pay closer attention to Jenny' dinner or is something else happening tonight?"  My voice lowered as I spoke.

"If your asking if I'm bringing out some ring or something, no.  Is that why you're acting so weird?  I actually find that a little disheartening.  What if I were going to ask you to marry me?  What would you say?"  He was sounding more irritated by the minute.

I threw my keys down on the counter, trying to seem more relaxed, stop the fight before it started. My spirit couldn't take two disasters in one night.  "I'm not sure what I would say at this moment.  I just had a bad day.  I'm aloud to have a bad day aren't I?" Kurt didn't respond. "Let me jump in the shower and by the time I get back I'll be back to myself."  I said with a smile.  "Is that a deal?"

Kurt still seemed irritated but nodded his head in agreement.  I rested my hand on his shoulder when I walked by him to try and show support.  "Thank you for doing all of this.  It was very unexpected and I do appreciate it."  I pulled it together little by little, though I still couldn't let go of Westin's presence yet.  

When I climbed in the shower I let the water run all over my back.  It pushed my dark hair into little streams that ran down the front of me, covering my breasts.  I wanted to let a few more tears fall but I wouldn't be able to gather myself before Kurt's suspicions grew.  

I reached my hands around the front of my waist, trying to replay the way Westin held me.  I closed my eyes and imagined him squeezing me tighter.  I never sensed Kurt in the house. That bothered the hell out of me.  I felt so alone when I walked in.  With Westin I always knew when he was around.  There were times I could even feel him before he came into the coffee house.  It was like Westin-sensitive telepathy.  

After wallowing in thoughts of Westin, I finished my shower.  I threw on some jeans and a satin blouse.  Normally, I'd put on sleeping shorts and a tee, but I thought I owed it to Kurt to at least wear something decent.  

When I walked back into the dining room, he was reading something on his phone.  He seemed distracted. I cleared my throat to let him know I'd returned.  Obviously, Kurt didn't have Jenny-telepathy either.  It took me scooting my chair out and letting the legs drag across the wooden floor for him to realize I was back in the room.

"How are you feeling?"